blah blah EMO-ness blah

"Life is full of tough choices---"

Ursula the Sea Witch, Disney's The Little Mermaid

I’m so beyond myself trying not to succumb to formulating messages of hate in response to people trying to tell me who the fuck [pardon my french] I am. To people judging me, telling me that I’m going to hell; that I should die a painful death; raped and left to die. Like my life isn’t hard enough as it is without complete strangers calling me an ugly ass worthless abomination to the world. Just because they tried messaging me thinking I’m some skank to add to a friends list and got a truthful response. Or randomly saw my profile pic and thought I was hot and worth checking out, but didn’t like, couldn’t stomach, or pre-judge based on their biased view of a community they’ve been dictated was "wrong." I as well as others like me become the targets. I pity ignorance and hate. If you’re reading this and have no clue as to what I’m talking about... you obviously don’t know me or haven’t/didn’t read my previous blog, and will possibly either praise or cruicify me afterwards. Well the spark notes version I’m pre-op transgendered male to female been so for quite some time and will be till medical and $ dictates otherwise. If this is news to you and you thought you knew me; well now you do. I’m prepped for whatever you have to say or actions you make take, but know that this is me and no one else. If this comes as a shock, well I can’t do anything but be myself I’d rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I’m not. I’m not apologizing, I’m doing not wrong. This is my one life and I’m going to try to live it happily my way.

It's so funny (really by funny I mean disturbingly hurtful more often than not) when guys talk about me about less than 5 feet away and assume that I can't hear them. I know that I'm an adult and should totally stand up for myself. I've practised, I've trained myself for these type of situations, but when it happens I seem to revert back to my days in middle school when things easily hurt me. I question how the world around me thinks that I can do all these things, stand up for myself, for what I believe in, but as much as I want to believe that I can, I'm human, I'm vunerable to the piercing words they say, although I may not appear to be hurt behind the two finger Barbie® smiles believe it or not I actually cry. I can be surrounded by people and feel completely alone I'm sorry sometimes even my "friends" can't change that sad truth.

In this world we think that the only things out there are what we see with our own two eyes, but there are a plethora of beautiful problems that we have yet to see. I understand that my problems are nothing compared to what circles around me, however I can only just barely deal with my complexcities before I tackle the world.

I've as of late finding the courage to be who I want to be and although I may hurt others in the process... if not now then when, if not me then who? I don't want to hurt anyone, but if I'm not true to who I am I hurt myself--- and I've done that for far too long.

Courage is an interesting thing, with it you face so many things, but you have to realize that there's going to be backlash with it. i.e. Dec I told him how I felt--- I thought that I'd get over it, that it was just one of those things that in the open would go away--- if only--- only things got weird and more complicated, more painful. If this person knew what I'm feeling on the inside maybe he'd handle things differently and understand how the way he treats me is beyond fucked when all I've done is been who I am and maybe someday he'll realize that. Right now my heart feels all shades of fucked up, but you can't get into the crevices of my heart where my blood painfully pumps with hopes of forgiveness. [EMO, I know sorry...]

Things right now feel like such a trip and a half that unfortunately I've reverted thinking its DUNZO, but I know that I have more to do, more to say--- I wanna save the world one person at a time with my love/compassion whatever--- so that the world will know that they will be Loved.

Everyday is this wonderful gift, then out of nowhere I tend to feel suffocated in these feelings of lonliness, emptiness--- whatever and I don't know how to breathe or who to turn to. So often I just want someone/anyone to hold me and find that ONE guy to prove that they're not all the same. ... is that really so much to ask? I guess it is....

I smile through the tears and I bleed myself dry because I can't feel my tears after all these years.

London V.

0 comments   |   permalink flag for review